Sorrow

Luse died over the weekend. She was one of my malnourished babies. The one I worked so hard on. The only child I gave myself permission to cry if she died. And today I cried for her. It was the first time I have cried since coming here. I don't know why she died...I don't think anyone does...no doctors came over the weekend to see patients while I was gone. I feel so guilty for leaving.

Today has been the worst day so far. Many of the other doctors and medical students really dislike me and don't hide it. The nurses were very frustrated that I had so much work for them. A child got a broken femur reduced without any pain medication, despite my urging. They also scrubbed three children's extensive second degree burns without pain medications. There were lots of very sick kids admitted over the weekend without any direction for treatment or diagnosis. The American pediatrician apparently left today for the US until the end of May. The zambian doc assigned to the peds ward stayed only 2 minutes and refused to see any kids. It took me 3.5 hours to see the kids today. I am really on my own now in the pediatric ward, which is horrible. I feel so discouraged.